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I'm empty and aching and I don't know why...

I was in a dark mood today.
Typical Monday.
I felt a step behind all morning,
 while battling a headache.
I got to the gym and had a great workout,
 but since I only had a slice of toast for breakfast
I got home and was hangry.
So I ate all the things.
Picked up PJ from school.
He had an outstanding morning, but a rough afternoon
  and was in a mood as dark as mine when I arrived.
We drove to CHOP for speech therapy,
 a ride punctuated by PJ taking off his shoes
and throwing them at me.
Let me tell you-
 tiny Nikes thrown at high velocity are no joke.
I turned to glance at him just in time to get a sneaker to the face.
We found a parking spot and
 PJ threw the Go limp instead of walking
It took us 20 minutes to make the 5 minute walk to the therapy room,
  and I tried to stay calm and not dislocate PJ's arm as I propelled him along.
His speech therapist took him off of my hands so I could check him in.
 I have never been so happy to spend $40  by myself.
I tried to regroup as the sweet receptionist we see every week swiped my card
 and validated my parking ticket.
Thankfully, he had an okay therapy session.
Not great, but not terrible.
We managed to get home without incident and, soon enough,
  PJ was reminding me of how funny and cute he is.
He ate his dinner like a champ and sang songs in the bathtub.
When I put him to bed, he threw his arms around my neck.
"Lay down in the bed, Mommy," he implored sweetly.
When he's easy, he's easy.
But when he is hard, it breaks me a little.
I patch it up as I wonder what on earth gets into him sometimes.
Is it Autism?
Is he just emotional like his mother, or a hot-head like his father?
And if I was a better mother, could I help ease his little body
 when he's feeling so uneasy?
Who knows.
It's nearly tomorrow and PJ is sound asleep,
 ensconced in Minion pajamas and under a Thomas blanket.
We've both agreed to forgive each other for today.
Thank goodness tomorrow is another one.


Shelly said…
Ugh. Love you-those hard days are just the worst. I've been slogging through sick kids and mom-guilt. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right!? ❤️
Been there. II've had sand filled from playground sneaks and sippy cups hurled at me in the car. And struggling carrying screaming child too. And the cuteness and sweetness that helps you get through without losing your mind.
MB said…
Oh, man, this reminded me of my Friday afternoon with my beautiful drama queen. Some of your sentences truly spoke to me about "if I was a better mother" and "when he is hard, it breaks me a little" and, of course, "tried to stay calm", etc., etc. It's now Tuesday, and I'm still obsessing about what I did wrong and how I could manage her next time. No matter what you do or who you are, this parenting thing does not get any easier, especially when autism is added to the mix.

Just know that you are an AWESOME MOM! You're way more patient than me.

And, after all, tomorrow (which is today)is another day! :)

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