Beauty is a word that I have always had a strange relationship with. I see it everywhere. The light that comes through our park when the sun is going down. The perfect curve of PJ's cheek. The sounds and smell of a thunderstorm. There are so many beautiful things, everywhere.
It took me a long time to find a beauty within myself. As soon as I was tall enough to look into a mirror, I viewed my reflection with a critical, unforgiving eye. It's certainly not something I was raised to see- my parents made it clear that the sun and moon revolved around my sister and I. But I was never able to look below the surface, and I wasted a lot of time worrying about what everyone else saw. Or rather, I wasted a lot of time worrying about what I thought they saw.
Finding my own beauty has been a struggle. It takes a lot of wisdom to truly understand the components of beauty, to peel back the layers and get to the important stuff, and if I never said I was beautiful, I sure as hell never said I was wise, either! What I am is older, and while it's not likely I will ever see myself as a beauty, there are things that make me feel beautiful.
When I am patient with my son, I feel beautiful.
When I am wearing my Mom-Mom's diamond earnings, even with a sweatshirt, I feel beautiful.
When I am singing, and something lovely comes out of my mouth, I feel beautiful.
When I am laughing with my friends, the kind of laugh when no sound comes out and you pee a little, I feel beautiful.
When it's humid out and I am having a great hair day, with perfect rings, when everyone else is praying to the alter of their hairspray, I feel beautiful.
When I wear a long dress, despite the fact that I am entirely too short for them, I feel beautiful.
There's still a long way to go. Miles. And although I find more within myself the older I get, it's likely that I will run out of years before I run out of criticisms. There are places within me and roles in my life that need to have their beauty drawn out, but I'll be damned if I know how to do it. There's still a long way to go, but I have found a little of my beauty as each mile has passed. Fingers crossed I can find a little more.