Monday, June 17, 2013

I end each day the way I start out...

This all feels a little bit like over-sharing.
I think back to when PJ was first diagnosed with Autism and I kept it all in
And after a while, found myself in a pretty dark place.
I don't exactly want to discuss my separation over coffee but here,
In the safe, relative anonymity of my blog,
I can try to find some sort of safety net that will allow me to
Drop some of these thoughts out of my head
(And do so in my typical dramatic, free-verse poetry, annoying-hipster-anstgy style).
We are doing our best to remain cordial and calm
And make sure PJ feels happy, safe, and secure.
I'm sure we'll mess it up.
But anyway. Back to the over-sharing.
I know I don't plan on sharing everysingledetail.
It's not just my story to tell, and our marriage does need a little protection.
This is more of an outlet to help me find some clarity,
Some calm,
Some support
As I try to navigate these very muddy waters.
I have already received messages from friends
Whom I have never even met in real life
Letting me hold their virtual hands and telling me that
They are rooting for my little family.
So am I, sisters.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

So, what are we saying? Our Eden's a failure?

It's been a long week here.
A very, very long week.
Things are a lot different inside our home.
Hopefully, down the line, it will look even better but for now
Pete and I are separated.
When the raw emotion of everything wears off
I imagine that it might be even more difficult but for now
Everyone is very cordial, very cooperative, and very cool.
There's work to be done.
So, so much work.
From everyone.
PJ...I don't know.
I know he senses something but all in all
He has his Mommy,
He has his Daddy,
And he knows that we love him.
All the way to the moon and back.
All in all, I am rooting for my little family.
I hope we can bounce back and have a real chance.
There's been so many missed ones that led us here.
Maybe...
Maybe you can root for us, too.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?

Literally the most random bunch of {Things on Thursday} ever...


...This week. I just... this week. I kind of have no words for it. It began with an extremely turbulent 24 hours that ended with many of the things I thought I knew being things I didn't know. I really have no clarity or decisiveness as to what is going to happen next. I am injured in ways I never thought I'd have to be afraid of, but I'm not on the permanent DL yet. I'm listed day-to-day. Once I'm better, we'll see if my team makes it to the playoffs this year. As it stands, I'm sorry for all of the vague sports metaphors and weirdness. I share enough here to feel okay with admitting that something is not right, but I'm not yet okay with sharing it all. I am just thankful that my life isn't so horrible that I don't have a beautiful, hilarious son, a home to keep me out of the rain, and Steel Panther  to make me laugh my head off!!

...I had wanted to mention that I really like the show Save Me, with Anne Heche. I was prepared for it to be stupid, but it's made me laugh hard at least once an episode. Tonight, she gets a visit from God and who is playing the coveted role? Betty White. Awesomeness.

...This week, PJ's school held a fundraiser for Alex's Lemonade Stand. The kids could make donations for a cup of lemonade, and wore yellow in support of their efforts. I know PJ doesn't get it, but someday, I'll be able to tell him that he took part in something that helped someone else. Hopefully, I'll be able to tell him that a number of times (more on that in a second). He came home with a little sticker that proudly proclaimed his participation in the event, and I found myself feeling inordinately proud of my little Dude. Also, I can't figure out how to get the pictures off my dang phone, so we'll save them for later.

...I don't think I mentioned it, but last week, PJ had a very long evaluation so we could take part in an Autism study. It was a stressful day- the eval was very long, PJ was very tired, and I wasn't very thrilled with the physician who administered the eval. I am not entirely sure that PJ and I got anything out of the visit, but I hope that the information that our participation provided will help another mama and child who are facing this. It wasn't a great day, but PJ and I, mostly, have good days. Hopefully, we can pass that on.

...It feels like it's been raining for NINE THOUSAND YEARS. I like a good rainy day as much as the next person, but our backyard looks like Lake Erie and since I'm short, the bottoms of my pants legs get wet every time I walk outside. Boo, that.

...It is time for bed. Yawn.

Monday, June 3, 2013

End of the day, the hour hand has spun...

Rainy Monday's are usually the bane of my existence- what could add more insult to the injury of a Monday then grey skies and wet sidewalks? But after the early heatwave of this weekend, the cool, wet, open-window weather was warmly welcomed.

The heat rushed in just in time for the town-wide yard sale on Saturday. Marla and I were up bright and early to set up our wares, fueled by iced coffee and dreaming of all of the money we would make and space we would have sans junk. Sadly, PJ woke up barfing early that morning, so Pete was on Cute Dude Duty while I sat yard sale-ed away. We didn't get rid of as much as I would have liked, but it was fun to hang out with my sister. I did sell PJ's pack n' play, and I have to admit, as I watched a cute girls with a slight baby bump haul it away, I teared up. PJ didn't even use it much (hence its sale), but I thought of the tiny, fluffy-haired baby who napped in the little bassinet on top. I missed that baby so. damn. much, despite how much I loved the barfing three-year-old napping on our couch in the air-conditioned apartment. Marla made fun of my emotions, until she sold her purse from her wedding and teared up, too. Ahem. Either way, we added a few bucks to our bank account and Marla and I had a fun, hot afternoon outside.

PJ is still in a difficult phase. We had his sports class for the first time in three weeks (off for Mother's Day, off for illness, off for Memorial Day, respectively). Our return yesterday was an Epic Fail. As soon as we walked in, PJ asked to enter the free play area so he could find the ride-on Thomas the Train toy. I told him "no", and it was all downhill from there. I held my ground and didn't leave the class- I didn't want to set a precedent that bad behavior will allow him to end a non-preferred activity early. We remained in the classroom, but PJ didn't participate. Instead, he alternately screamed and cried, pinching my arms and smacking my glasses off (Dude. I have got to refill my script for contacts...). It was a bad scene. I felt myself tearing up, wanting to enjoy the luxury of a good cry while my son railed against me, but instead I held it together and tried my best to talk him down. On the way out of the building, he sweetly looked up at his teacher and said "Bye bye! Have a nice weekend!" It was adorable, but didn't win him any points!

I was nervous, because our next stop was the mall. I had some gift cards from my birthday and it had become vital that I spend them on new sneakers. My feet have been in constant pain over the past few months from what I am pretty sure is a case of Wearing Flip Flops and Uggs For Three Straight Years Like A Dumbass Disease. PJ must have had some sympathy for my foot pain, because he was an angel in the store and gave me ample time to get new sneakers and a pair of sandals. The sandals have a vaguely orthopedic look to them, but they are so comfortable I almost cried when I put them on. I wore them out of the store and even after walking around the mall for a while, I can feel a huge difference. It was hard to fathom spending a lot of money on shoes, but much needed. My feet are happy.

And here we are at Monday night. I drank my night time coffee, the Penguins are losing, and I have a hard back copy of the new Khaled Hosseini book to read. Bliss.

Goodnight friends! Thanks, as always, for coming by. <3>