Tuesday, May 14, 2013

She's like the wind...

Picture it, Sicily, 1945 Fifth Grade, sometime in the late 80's.

A young girl is sitting in her classroom. Her teacher is teaching a lesson as four rows of students, lined up in front of her, all watch with bright, inquisitive faces and alert eyes.

The girl has reached an awkward stage- that delicious medley of pre-pubescent nonsense when undeveloped style, social, and hygiene skills have yet to catch up with the burgeoning hormones that leave her with teeny boobies and a smattering of acne. Her hair is fizzy because she hasn't yet discovered how to manage her curls and she squints a lot because nobody has discovered that she needs glasses.

Something she has discovered? Allergies. Terrible allergies that left her head whipping back and forth as sneezes were realised from her body as though possessed by Satan himself. This particular day, her allergies were fierce. She sneezed every few minutes, finally eliciting instructions from the teacher for the students to not "bless" her, as it was disrupting the class.

The teacher had no idea what was to come.

The girl tried to pay attention to the lesson, but the constant tickle in her nose was too much to contend with. Her nose felt like a high-capacity magazine and the sneezes like bullets.

ah-CHOO! ah-CHOO! ah-CHOO ah-TOOOOOOOOT

First, silence. The girl waited with her breath held. Had they noticed? But then, like boiling water, a giggle bubbled to the surface. Then two. Then a smattering of giggles. And then, the whole damn pot boiled over:

SHE HAD SNEEZED AND FARTED AT THE SAME TIME!!

Now, a reaction to a fart in a fifth-grade classroom is like much like the reaction to the opening of the doors at Filene's Basement for the Running of the Brides- swift, crazed, and relentless! The other students gave over to the type of hilarity usually reserved for comedy shows. The teacher tried to gain control of her classroom but it was no use. A fart had been unfurled and it demanded the full attention of the fifth graders it held in it's loud, horn-like grip.

The girl felt like she was in another dimension as she absently groped for a tissue while hoping that the world would open up and swallow her all together. She still remembers the reaction of a kid named Jason, whose face switched from the hazy absentmindedness of a kid struggling to pay attention to the face of a kid who just woke up and realized it was Christmas, his birthday, and the day he lost his virginity all rolled into one. One "snart" (a sneeze and a fart, obvi) and it was like the angels of joy had descended.

The moment eventually passed- the teacher was finally able to regain control of her classroom. But for months, the students unmercifully teased the poor girl about her gaseous social gaffe.

The girl was me, and the Jason...was Jason Statham!

...actually, the boy was named Jason, but he wasn't Jason Statham! I think it was Wolf and I have no idea what happened to him! I was just going for a Sophia-esque feel for this story! I am sitting here laughing so hard, I'm crying, but oh my God! At the time, it was one of the worst things that had ever happened to me, an exclamation point on the awkward, angst-y tale of my pre-pubescent stage. I can still remember how I felt as my sneeze ended and the fart began. Of course, I am now a 36-year-old woman and farts are still funny, but as a fifth-grade girl at the mercy of my peers, a fart was the DAMN KISS OF DEATH! I told this story to my husband, who is a grown man, and he laughed his head off!

Pete: {wanders into the room} Soooo...did you really fart and sneeze?
Me: Yup. Totally.
Pete: Wow. Really? At the same time? Was it a wet fart? Did it smell? Was it loud?
Me: O_o
Pete: {wanders off laughing his ass off}

However slightly-painful it was to tell this particular tale, it's for a good cause- PJ and I are walking with his school in the Walk for Autism Speaks- South Jersey! I promised my Facebook friends that I would tell this story when I reached $25 in donations and within minutes, my best friend Randi and my friend Amy had ponied up! They did their part, so here is mine! In fact, I have already surpassed the donations needed to post a particularly harrowing picture of my from the sixth grade, so look for that next!




 
You can support our walk and the precious funds needed to support Autism research and care by using the link above! Stay tuned for more fun as we raise money for Autism Speaks!

8 comments:

SMD @ lifeaccordingtosteph said...

I had to donate in return for the good laugh. Fart stories are ALWAYS funny.

Brie Latini said...

Steph, thank you so, so much!!!!!!!

Gwen said...

I did too - oh, how I felt for your fifth grade self!

Brie Latini said...

I still feel a little for her!!!

Gwen, thank you so, so much!!!!!!

Joyce Tschetter said...

This exact same thing happened to me in 5th grade! It stands out as one of my most embarrassing moments of ALL time, and I am now 43! :) Glad to know I'm not the only one!

Marta said...

A snart is a totally real thing. And sounds like such an embarrassing moment!

Brie Latini said...

Joyce, it was so sad! It's nearly 25 years later and I remember exactly how I felt! But, it makes a good story now!! Thank you!

Brie Latini said...

Girl, my poor little awkward fifth-grade self was a mess!!! But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or something.