Monday, November 26, 2012

"You are perfect to me..."

Three years ago this morning, I had been up all night, having brought my son into the world at 4:11am. By 6:45, I was on the post-partum floor and my hours-old son was in my arms.

At 6:45am this morning, I was coaxing my son awake, wishing him a happy birthday and snuggling him in his footie pajamas.

At 7am, three years ago, I was struggling to find an even tenor in my breastfeeding skills and wondering, briefly, if this kid would ever eat.

At 7am this morning, a giggly 3 year old settled in at the table to eat train-shaped french toast, with banana-and-M&M wheels and whipped cream smoke.


At 7:45am, three years ago, I dressed my 6 pound newborn in a tiny white onesie and swaddled him in a soft, white blanket.

At 7:45am this morning, I got PJ dressed into his school clothes- a waffle-knit orange top and dark-wash, baggy carpenter jeans.

At 8:20am, three years ago, I snuggled my brand-new boys in my arms and, with the naivete of brand-new motherhood, swore to never let him go.

At 8:20am this morning, my son took the hand of his new teacher and, with his mama crying on the sidewalk, walked into his brand-new school.

With today being both PJ's 3rd birthday and the first day of school, it was extremely emotional for me. In fact, I'd show you the video of him walking into school but some crazy lunatic is sobbing in the background. Not me. Some other nutbag.

Ahem.

The two and a half hours that PJ was at school seemed to take forever. I wondered how he was doing. I wondered if he was scared. I wondered if he had peed his pants, hit another kid, ate his snack, or was having fun. He was, completely, in someone else's hands and that was a very difficult thing for me. And all of that aside, I just wanted my handsome little birthday boy home with me!
Of course, the time did come for me to get my little birthday boy, and I left a few minutes earlier then I needed to, too eager to get to him to contain myself. I waited outside, and soon enough, the doors opened and sweet little children poured out, my own sweet child among them. And when he saw me waiting, he smiled his big, sweet smile and said "Mommy!". Oh, my heart.

The rest of our day was relaxed. We picked up PJ's cousin Robbie for an impromptu lunch at McDonald's, where the boys chatted over french fries and laughed as they took turns sliding down the slides in the play place. The afternoon was a little crazy- by 4pm, PJ was overtired and having trouble controlling his body. We fully expect this type of reaction as he gets used to his new schedule. PJ was having a hard time keeping his little body still, so he barreled about the apartment. Until we got cake in front of him, anyway. :-)

Three years ago, on Thanksgiving night, I was eating tortellini in my hospital room. (I know, weird choice.) My visitors had all left and it was just PJ and I, and I ate my surprisingly yummy pasta and eyed my baby boy, wondering if I was really, truly, capable of doing right by this little piece of everything that snoozed beside me. I'll tell ya, it was up in the air at that point!

Tonight, I still don't know yet if I am doing the right things. But we have three years under our belts, three amazing years in which my heart had grown, my love has grown, and that sweet little blonde breath of air has grown. These three year, this past one in particular, have been such a journey, such a learning experience. I worry all the time that I might fail him, this 3 year old of mine! But with every hug, every new skills, every freshly-bathed, pajamaed dude I tuck into bed at night is a small victory. We're doing this thing together!

Happy 3rd birthday to you, Peter Joseph! You are funny, smart, sweet, silly, sassy, handsome, and stubborn DETERMINED and brave! You are the light of your Daddy and my life! You amaze us every single day and we know that there is a lifetime of amazing in you still! I wasn't quite ready yet to let you go and share you with school, but you are going to kick. preschool's. ASS! Your Daddy and I love you all the way to the moon and back, my little monkey!

Happy Birthday, PJ!



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