This time of year always goes by in a crazy whirlwind for me! Everything is so busybusybusy that I don't have time to kind of sit back and realize that the year is coming to an end until it's suddenly New Year's Eve! Last year, we were half-crazed with happiness, Beginner Parent-ism, and lack of sleep thanks to a newborn Peter Joseph, Jr! This year, I think I'm feeling a bit more like a normal person!
Of course, the end of a year and the start of a new one brings about the inevitable practice of New Year's Resolutions. The thought of an entire, shinny new year stretching ahead of you seems like the perfect jumping off point to create a new you, one who cooks/cleans/doesn't bite her nails/is nice to her mother/stops bad habits/insert other neurotic quirk here ____________.
The combination of that and watching What Not To Wear too much has me thinking a lot about my presentation to the world. I've never been what one would call a fashion plate, and I can be lazy about General Upkeep-y things like plucking my eyebrows (which are horrible!). Still, I used to have some semblance of personal style- terrible or not,it was mine and something that I cultivated to make so.
Somewhere along the line, somewhere between the end of high school and now (which is a trillion years, I know, and gives kind of a wide berth to try and pin down a date) I lost whatever that was. I put on a ton of weight. Then took it off and put it back on as so many women are wont to do. I stopped working in an office and no longer had to dress in a professional manner every day, and things took a huge plunge! Jeans, sweatshirts, and Uggs became my uniform. I look at stylish women and want so much to have an effortless approach to style but lose the motivation to actually put in the effort to do so.
Then PJ came along, and any time invested in or concern about myself went right out the window. Jeans, sweatshirt, hair in need of a cut/color and overgrown eyebrows aside, I hold my son and I am enveloped in sunshine! He has become so bright to me that sometimes...okay. Pretty much ALL of time? He's all that I can see. And not only am I unable to see myself, I sometimes can't see my husband, the state of my kitchen, or anything else in the world. To me, PJ makes the world beautiful.
I think most of that is pretty typical new Mama stuff, although someone more practiced at taking care of herself might not let it slide so easily. Being dazzled by my child is hardly a brand-new emotion, and I also don't think it's something that would ever really change. My son is, by far, the best and most amazing thing I have ever done! Hopefully, Pete and I will be blessed with another child and then they both will be the pinnacle of my life's output!
Still, I don't think that I want to lose myself in that process. For one thing, it's not good for my marriage, and Pete already takes a backseat to our child. Again, parents always come second to their children, but my marriage to Pete being healthy, tended to, and fresh can only be positive for the growth of our child(ren).
Perhaps also, being healthy, tended to, and fresh myself can only be a good thing. I love being a mother, and it's the most important thing I have ever done or ever will do, hands down. Still, taking care of myself not only means that I can feel positive about my own self-worth, but it also means that I will be around- and the best version of myself- for PJ as long as possible.
Now, I have no earthly idea how I am going to go about all of this change, but I think the realization of its need is a step in the right direction. Hopefully, with a little imagination, motivation, love and support, I can make it happen.
I don't want to be overweight.
I don't want shrink into the background.
I want to participate in the things that make me, me.
I want to be a good wife, have a healthy marriage and make Pete know how important, how vital he is to me in more then just casual words.
I want to be the best mother possible.
I want to be the best me possible.
Now, if only I had a friggin' idea on how to make this happen!!!!!!