Wednesday, April 1, 2009

"But I'm alright, I'm alright, just weary to my bones..."

I have been dragging through the past week and-a-half in such a strange state- numb one second, okay the next, crying again the one after that. Enjoying the warmth of the sun one minute and feeling to to my core the icy space in my heart the minute after that.

I've been missing the safety of my blog, where I can blurt out whatever I need to and then pretend I never said it because the words didn't pass my lips. It's my favorite passive-aggressive hobby!

And I feel so selfish having such a heavy heart, when Mom-Mom lived such a long life, when there are others who cling to hope in dark moments, and when there are so many blessings about. Life is around us just as surely as death, and hopefully, I will be able to get my head out of this dark cloud around me and realize that.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


Of course, I knew that as the song by The Byrds before I ever knew it was a Bible verse (because I am sooooooooooooooooo holy and religious). I would hear it in the car while my mom listened to "Oldies '98" and love the sweetness of the voices and the simplicity of the words. Right now, I am in my silent time, my mourning time, my time to refrain from embracing. It's just what I do. I am a pro at being there when people need me, and a doctorate-level, government expert, Pulitzer-Prize winning, Dr-Phil-Would-Ask-ME-For-Advice virtuoso at shutting down when things get bad. And for me, this isn't just bad. I know I was so lucky, so blessed to have almost 32 years with Mom-Mom. But 32 years vs. forever...right now, there's no comfort in her memory for me. I miss her, all the way to my soul, in a way I have never missed anyone.

Grief like this is almost a luxury. I'm not trying to hold up. I'm letting myself sink into the sadness I am feeling. It's kind of like bungee jumping. Right now, I'm in the free fall- scary and fast, and heart-stopping. But, just like the song (ahem...the Bible, Old-Testament-style the way my people do) says,

To every thing there is a season...


Soon enough, the season will change and sproing, my bungee cord will float me back up to the safety of the bridge. And just like having Mom-Mom in my life, I'll be a better person for having taken the jump.

For right now though, I miss my Mom-Mom.

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