Monday, April 27, 2009

"Your betrayal ought to make this breakdown no trouble at all, so let the rubble fall..."

(just to note, there are no actual betrayals in the making of today's blog, I just really love that line!)

So for the love of God, who turned up the friggin' heat??? It's April!!! My allergies do not approve. I am dire need of a dose of good,old fashioned, 72 degree days, still-cool-enough-for-jeans SPRINGTIME!!

We all know what a fan I am of television (hey, don't judge me- I read alot of books!) so I was so sad to learn that Bea Arthur passed away! Golden Girls is one of my all-time favorite shows (The Wonder Years being my number one, in case you wondered...), as it was part of our sleepover-at-Mom-Mom's ritual. Marla, Mom-Mom and I would pile into her bed and watch Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia fling insults and cheesecake at each other. I didn't get the jokes until I was older and re-discovered Golden Girls in syndication, but Mom-Mom used to crack up at it! I remember thinking that when I grew up, I wanted to eat cheesecake in my robe with my girlfriends and talk about stuff. I wanted to be like Blanche (not slutty so much as pretty) but now I know I'm more like Dorothy- a smart-assed wise mouth who could fling sassy remarks with the best of them but knew how to be strong for her friends. And Mom-Mom...she was the best of all of them. Smart like Dorothy, sweet like Rose, gorgeous like Blanche, and wise like Sophia.

Friday, April 17, 2009

"Yes that's my name in black and white, maybe I'm doing something right! I am so much better then before!"

FINALLY! Some good news!

Pete found out late last night that he passed his nursing school final!

I was in a dead sleep, passed out cold, when all of the sudden the light was switched on and Pete came flying into the room! He scared me half to death, but once I picked my heart out of my teeth I realized what he was saying, "I did it! I'm a nurse!".

Oh, boy! NOW I'm awake!!

He had to breeze right back out since he stopped by while he was working to tell me! But seeing him so happy and so proud, after his setbacks from last year, was wonderful to see! He worked HARD for this, and he deserves it! I am so happy for him!

And I'm a little happy for me, too! ;-)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

"I’m on my way somewhere new..."

I kind of feel like I am re-connecting with a friend I had a fight with.

I have been avoiding my blog for weeks now, trying to reconcile my heart to a life without Mom-Mom. I have never been one to edit my thoughts, so sitting down to journal would have meant facing some things that I was just not ready to do yet.

But today was a beautiful day, with all of the trees in the park across the street starting to bloom white, pink and green. I have six days off, and something about the fresh buds and the cloudless sky screamed of a rebirth.

So I dusted off my social side and had a wonderful day- first lunch with my friend Mandy and then Passover Seder with my second family, the Gilpers/Rappaports. Tomorrow is another lovely day off and then an Applebee's night with my favorite girls!

Slowly, slowly, I am trying to heal. And hopefully, there are so many things to look forward to.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

"But I'm alright, I'm alright, just weary to my bones..."

I have been dragging through the past week and-a-half in such a strange state- numb one second, okay the next, crying again the one after that. Enjoying the warmth of the sun one minute and feeling to to my core the icy space in my heart the minute after that.

I've been missing the safety of my blog, where I can blurt out whatever I need to and then pretend I never said it because the words didn't pass my lips. It's my favorite passive-aggressive hobby!

And I feel so selfish having such a heavy heart, when Mom-Mom lived such a long life, when there are others who cling to hope in dark moments, and when there are so many blessings about. Life is around us just as surely as death, and hopefully, I will be able to get my head out of this dark cloud around me and realize that.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Of course, I knew that as the song by The Byrds before I ever knew it was a Bible verse (because I am sooooooooooooooooo holy and religious). I would hear it in the car while my mom listened to "Oldies '98" and love the sweetness of the voices and the simplicity of the words. Right now, I am in my silent time, my mourning time, my time to refrain from embracing. It's just what I do. I am a pro at being there when people need me, and a doctorate-level, government expert, Pulitzer-Prize winning, Dr-Phil-Would-Ask-ME-For-Advice virtuoso at shutting down when things get bad. And for me, this isn't just bad. I know I was so lucky, so blessed to have almost 32 years with Mom-Mom. But 32 years vs. forever...right now, there's no comfort in her memory for me. I miss her, all the way to my soul, in a way I have never missed anyone.

Grief like this is almost a luxury. I'm not trying to hold up. I'm letting myself sink into the sadness I am feeling. It's kind of like bungee jumping. Right now, I'm in the free fall- scary and fast, and heart-stopping. But, just like the song (ahem...the Bible, Old-Testament-style the way my people do) says,

To every thing there is a season...

Soon enough, the season will change and sproing, my bungee cord will float me back up to the safety of the bridge. And just like having Mom-Mom in my life, I'll be a better person for having taken the jump.

For right now though, I miss my Mom-Mom.