When I sit down to journal (the word "blog" annoys me for some reason) I usually have no trouble making the words flow from my brain to the keyboard. And I think the words are there now, but it's just so clogged up in my head that there is no flow. Or, maybe my heart is just weighing down my fingers.
It's been one week today since we lost my brother-in-law Greg. Every night, I have sat down at my keyboard, waiting for all of the feelings and memories and grief to come pouring out in so many letters and words. Why would there be nothing to say when I just lost such a good friend, when three little girls lost their father, when my amazing sister-in-law lost her husband?
Here's what I can say:
Greg had alot of people who loved him and will miss him. He was quiet and laid back, but dependable in the best of ways. He ADORED his daughters, and his not being here to be in the endless pictures Shelly always takes, or to help blow their hair dry at night is an absolute tragedy, even though I know he will always be with them. He was the Yin to Shelly's Yang, the calming presence to her speediness, and looked out for her in such a touching way. Greg really, REALLY loved his job and leaves an almost impossible-to-fill hole in his absence. He was also really GOOD at his job. He could have a twisted sense of humor, especially where his illness was concerned. He always, from the beginning, made me feel like he was rooting for Pete and I to work. His being a part of our wedding day will always be a part of my heart. He was a good friend, a great brother-in-law, a fantastic husband, and an amazing father.
Here's what I learned this week:
My sisters are made of steel, and nobody has ever shown more strength then my sister Shelly has shown through this whole ordeal. She took care of Greg with such tenderness and care, learning every single thing about his illness and needs. I learned that grief can hit you so hard sometimes, and make you feel like nothing in the world will ever be right again. I learned that the way children see the world is so amazing, and having them here is such a gift. I learned that if you are looking for movie quotes to use for a funeral, Monty Python quotes are entirely inappropriate! I learned that sometimes, even in times of need, some people rise to the occasion in ways you could never dream, and some people also fail in ways you could never dream. Some people, it turns out, really are dementors, and you had better have your patronus ready. I learned that sometimes, you don't get the miracles you wanted, and I learned that despite that, funny things will still make you laugh, a gorgeous fall day is still a treat, and a cake from Sweet Eats can serve as your panacea.
Here's what I pray for:
For God to watch over us all and help us through this, even though we will never understand it. To keep His hand over my amazing sisters, especially Shelly, and watch over Greg and Shelly's daughters. To welcome Greg into His arms, and to make sure He's holding all of our hands at the same time.
And here's the last thing I have to say tonight:
Today is Sunday, and I have cried every day since we lost Greg last Sunday. Maybe tomorrow, a memory of him will make me smile, instead of smile and cry. Today I miss him, but tomorrow, I might see a part of him in one of those beautiful daughters of his. Today, I feel like I will be sad forever, but maybe soon, it'll start to heal. Today I am so thankful for everything I have, for everyone who I love and for everyone who, for whatever reason, loves me back. And I know I will feel the exact same way about that tomorrow.
Bye Greg, thank you for everything. We love you, bud...